


be my rest, be my fantasy

by seongyu



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Changkyun-centric, Drabble, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-24 01:30:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8351005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seongyu/pseuds/seongyu
Summary: changkyun is young, but he knows what  love at first sight is.and it is heartbreaking, unbearable and unforgivably cruel.why did he have to meet shin hoseok like this?





	

**Author's Note:**

> angsty wonkyun because why not? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

it’s not just because he’s handsome, but changkyun notices hoseok first. even through the nervousness and the stingy stares, he sees his black hair and his fair face, and he hates that it has to be like this.

“you came at the worst timing.” he says to him. 

and changkyun knows that. he knew that before even entering the room, before even seeing the other trainees with his own eyes, before signing the competition contract and shaking hands with opportunity. it hits him harder when he hears it out loud though. it feels real for the first time. 

why did he have to meet shin hoseok like this?

\--

changkyun knows these things about shin hoseok.  
hoseok is the eldest trainee. hoseok cries easily. hoseok likes to sleep with socks on. hoseok is impossibly handsome. hoseok is the person that changkyun wants to talk to the most, but that he can barely look at.

changkyun wishes that they won’t debut together. 

changkyun knows these things about shin hoseok.  
hoseok likes the rain. hoseok snores. hoseok has the best-looking body out of all of them (and changkyun swears he’s not jealous). hoseok is fragile sometimes. hoseok does not really like changkyun. hoseok is one of the people that changkyun will debut with.

\--

it’s difficult to see others get closer while you feel yourself drifting away. that’s how changkyun feels most of the time.

he was supposed to be loved here. he was supposed to find a second family in these people. changkyun doesn’t know if it’s his fault or not. maybe he’s just bad at communicating with others. his members are just friends, maybe good friends on a good day. it doesn’t matter. they will warm up to him eventually.

and changkyun swears that they become a bit warmer each day that passes: when jooheon offers to buy him food or when hyungwon lets him sleep in his bunk for the night. sometimes kihyun will ask him to help him cook, and he’ll teach him how to cut the vegetables correctly, other times minhyuk and hyunwoo will sit down and play games with him. and sometimes, but not often, hoseok will place a hand on changkyun’s shoulder and tell him he has worked hard. that he’s proud to be his teammate.

that makes changkyun’s heart flutter, and he hates how easily he unravels under hoseok’s praise.

\--

changkyun has fallen asleep next to hoseok four times. he swears it was accidental the first few times, but by now he admits to himself that he just loves hoseok’s bed: his smell and his warmth, and the way hoseok breathes loudly in his sleep. it’s almost like watching something forbidden, something changkyun is not actually allowed to see. and then he remembers he’s not special. it’s something they’ve all seen.

and changkyun tries to trick himself that he loves hoseok the way the others love him: brotherly and selflessly, but he knows that isn’t true.

instead, he tries to trick himself that maybe hoseok feels the same way about him, that their touches send electric waves through his body as well, and that he too yearns for changkyun’s smell and the embrace of his arms. he knows that isn’t true either.

\--

changkyun sees hoseok vulnerable for the first time in the bathroom.

kneeling on the floor and crying, wishing he was somewhere else. changkyun recognizes himself in hoseok. 

and changkyun just sits there with him, holds him and rubs his back, mumbles words that he knows don’t really matter, because hoseok doesn’t take them in either way. and he shakes like the autumn leaves in the breeze outside, quivers as if bitten by the harsh coldness they try so hard to avoid. and afterwards they pretend like nothing even happened.

he tells himself that hoseok holds him closer more often, and leans his head against his shoulder when he feels like it. maybe for once, changkyun isn’t wrong. 

if he closes his eyes he can pretend that they don’t live in a world where hoseok doesn’t love changkyun back.

\--

changkyun opens up to jooheon first, because it was almost meant to happen sooner or later. he always seemed to understand him the best, always seemed to want to know changkyun and his personal thoughts. changkyun isn’t unthankful, but sometimes he wishes it was hoseok instead.

and jooheon is a bit taken aback when changkyun finally does open up, because he never took him for that kind of person: the kind who falls in love and revels in self-pity and lovesickness. he doesn’t question why it is hoseok. maybe he kind of understands why. he tells changkyun that it’s okay to love, and maybe changkyun doesn’t quite believe him. there is a time and place for everything, and this isn’t the time and place for loving shin hoseok. 

jooheon asks him if he has told him, and changkyun almost starts laughing because he could never tell him, even if the world’s ending, even if he’s somehow allowed to like hoseok the way he does, because it’s a locked secret by now: if it gets out it it would ruin everything. and jooheon only shakes his head, tells changkyun he’s ridiculous but he knows that jooheon feels the same way: it’s the look on his face and the doubt in his eyes. changkyun just knows him too well by now. 

and he knows hoseok as well. his laughs and tears and anger. he knows all of it, and he loves it and hates it at the same time. sometimes he lies down and wishes he had never known hoseok at all.

\--

how long can you love someone without being loved back?

that’s the problem though. changkyun isn’t unloved. hoseok loves him. he knows as much. 

changkyun pretends that he can love hoseok the way he wants to when they fall asleep together on the couch, limbs entwined and breaths mixing until they match. changkyun doesn’t even remember who he was before hoseok. 

he has to remind himself that he is a complete person without hoseok as well.

\--

changkyun knows these things about shin hoseok.  
hoseok is hardworking. hoseok is selfless. hoseok is tender. hoseok has secrets he doesn’t want to tell changkyun (and he wishes he did). hoseok has someone to love him. that is a good thing. hoseok doesn’t let himself be loved. that is not a good thing.

changkyun knows these things about himself.  
changkyun is a nobody. changkyun is insignificant. changkyun does not know how to talk to people. changkyun has nightmares sometimes. changkyun wishes he were stronger. changkyun loves hoseok. changkyun loves hoseok. changkyun loves hoseok.

\--

sometimes changkyun feels like his soul is falling out of his own body.  


you know what love feels like, don’t you? did it hurt you this much as well? 

sometimes he wishes he didn’t know how to love at all.

\--

changkyun feels at home with his members. that’s what it’s supposed to feel like. he knows them better than the back of his own hand by now. that’s what it’s supposed to feel like.

changkyun knows why they cry, changkyun knows why they laugh. changkyun doesn’t know who he was before his members. he’s lived with them for so long that he can’t disassociate himself from them anymore: he has taken parts of them that he didn’t have before, made them his own. changkyun doesn’t even think that he was a real person before they met: just a blank slate of the person he would become. 

changkyun wonders what traits he took from hoseok. he wonders what traits hoseok took from him.

\--

sometimes changkyun hates it though. he’s transparent even when he doesn’t want to be.

and kihyun points it out first, how changkyun clings to hoseok a bit more lately, how he sneaks pictures of him when he sleeps and smiles to himself when he thinks nobody’s looking. those glances that kihyun didn't even think existed outside of fabricated realities and idealistic fantasies: yet changkyuns casts them right in front of him, gazing after hoseok. 

maybe he wants to scold changkyun a bit. tell him that it’s not a good idea. tell him that it wouldn't have worked out either way. 

he has a feeling that changkyun knows that already.

\--

“it seems like these two have a different type of relationship, yeah?”

changkyun swears his heart doesn’t skip a beat when the interviewer says the words, swears that the audience in front of him isn’t real. he swears that his hand raises on instinct, that the words and protests come out as if on automation. it feels rehearsed in a way. maybe changkyun has prepared it in his sleep to ready himself for yet another confrontation by his other members. and it kind of scares him: that everything is so obvious and changkyun can’t even bring himself to hide it.

“we’re just purely good friends.” hoseok answers instead of changkyun. he always does, because he’s the older one after all. they’re just good friends. that’s all they are. that’s all they ever will be. changkyun needs to accept that.

he swears that he doesn’t see hoseok’s face fall and how it stays that way for the rest of the interview.

\--

the sound of crying always increases around comebacks. changkyun had noticed the pattern somewhere around their second one, and they all sort of had to get used to it, pretend it didn’t bother them that much. he has fallen prey to it before: breaking down in the practice room when he just can’t get that dance move right or when his flow is just off. changkyun hates those days. he mostly spends them alone, sulking, unwilling to open up because he knows the other members feel the same way. he isn’t special. he doesn’t deserve more than what the others deserve.

and this time minhyuk falls to it, and it’s odd because he’s always gleeful and joyous, yet there he sits, curled up impossibly small against the door, sobbing and choking on his own tears. changkyun hates how scary it looks.

and he makes it a habit to clear his personal schedule to console the others. he sits down with minhyuk and caresses his back, tries words of encouragements. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. 

this time hoseok sits with them, presses minhyuk against his broad frame and strokes his hair. they just sit in silence until minhyuk quiets down, and the thickness of it envelops them, makes them lethargic. 

changkyun almost doesn’t feel hoseok’s hand close on his own, warm and soft. changkyun hugs it back, and he feels warm inside again.

\--

changkyun isn’t an unthankful person. he thanks Him every night before falling asleep, when he wakes up, before eating and before performing. sometimes he forgets and he makes sure to make up for it the next day, but some days it feels like He punishes him for forgetting.

changkyun knows that he shouldn’t be jealous. he knows he shouldn’t be hateful, and yet he hates hyungwon when he sees him, body merging with hoseok’s. the sight of hoseok’s hand squeezing someone else’s isn’t unusual: it’s nothing that hasn’t happened before. it’s nothing that should make changkyun like this, but it does. maybe hyungwon isn’t actually the one he hates after all.

\--

hoseok is so fragile at night. it breaks changkyun’s heart. he wants to mend him, wants him to be whole again.

hoseok sits alone in the dark, staring at nothing, maybe trying to a get sense of who he really is, if he’s actually real or not. everything is so different in the dark.

changkyun knows these things about shin hoseok.  
hoseok is caring. hoseok is strong. hoseok likes to wake up when nobody else is awake. hoseok misses his mom. sometimes, hoseok is a mystery. 

and changkyun likes this moment in the dark, because he feels as if he sees hoseok for the very first time again. it feels like starting over. somehow he wishes he could change hoseok’s first words, make them the plea for affection that hoseok whispers out into the shadows, asking changkyun to come closer. 

hoseok has lots of secrets that he tells no one. no one except for changkyun, in this very moment. it’s self-contained. it only exists in this particular time and place and when the sun rises again, the moment will be gone. 

and hoseok tells changkyun a secret, and it changes them both, in a way. 

hoseok tells changkyun of the dark basement where he stores his demons, that he keeps shut and locked and forbidden, because it’s just easy that way. and he tells changkyun he doesn’t have to understand, but changkyun does understand. 

maybe he understands a bit too well. 

changkyun wants hoseok to open the basement for him and let him wander around. maybe changkyun could do the same for him.

but there is a time and place for everything.

changkyun is not the person hoseok will allow inside like that.

\--

they all know by now. it’s impossible that they don’t. they know everything about changkyun. changkyun knows everything about them.

and jooheon is surprised that changkyun still loves hoseok like that. that he hasn’t gotten over it yet. changkyun asks how he’s supposed to get over someone he’s never known that way, and jooheon does not know the answer to that.

they all know. even hoseok knows. and hoseok doesn’t say anything.

maybe changkyun has to get over it after all.

\--

it’s snowing for the first time this year. changkyun sticks his tongue out, tries to catch the flakes on his tongue, and feels them fade against his warmth once he does. the sky reminds him of himself in a way: dark and gloomy. the sun must be there somewhere behind the clouds.

and he lingers a bit, because he’s always been a winter boy. maybe because he was born in the frost and shivers of january. sometimes he feels as if his bones are made of ice after all.

he stands on the steps and watches people walk by, listens to the cars rush by, the snow embedding the rooftops in a white blanket. changkyun knows the city will be buried tomorrow morning.

and hoseok is there too, stands and takes it all in because it’s peaceful and peace is what hoseok needs the most. he doesn’t even speak, just joins changkyun by his side and takes his hand in his. maybe he smiles a bit too. 

changkyun remembers how beautiful hoseok is. he has never called a man beautiful before, but hoseok is. he’s beautiful just like that, bare-faced and puffy eyes. this is the real hoseok that few ever get to see.

hoseok’s words mingle with the rumble of the city and changkyun pretends he doesn’t hear. he pretends he's suddenly lost his hearing when hoseok says that he knows everything, and that he has known for a while. and then he asks: how long?

since the beginning, changkyun replies.

and hoseok finds that hard to believe. changkyun does as well.

\--

changkyun knows these things about himself.  
changkyun likes sleeping with two pillows. changkyun wants to own a dog some day. changkyun can be a bit awkward sometimes. changkyun is not unthankful. changkyun isn’t full of hatred. changkyun is at peace. changkyun knows what hoseok's lips feel like against his cheek. changkyun loves hoseok. but changkyun knows how to live without him.

changkyun knows these things about shin hoseok.  
hoseok is kind. hoseok is intelligent. hoseok is talented. hoseok feels a bit lost sometimes. it’s alright to feel lost sometimes. hoseok is always honest. hoseok never lies. hoseok kissed changkyun that day. hoseok loves changkyun in his own way. 


End file.
